那晚例外地没降雨

历历在目,我觉得这是最适合用以形容那个时刻了.
怎么每天醒来脑里第一个画面竟是那个模样

那晚例外地没降雨,真的觉得一切都跟着策划中进行了,
而且实行得比我想象的还要好,当然就要万分感激一般非比寻常的朋友们(隽勤,启健,园添,子庆,佩琦,mason,欣枋,章元,佳韵,那晚都是属于你们的 =)))
我写下这篇的目的,只是想趁我还没忘记以前,快点记载下来,以后能更完整地回忆.

其实我几时开始有了要说出口的念头,我真的忘记了XPP
我只知道,从一开始策划在8月14号进行的时候,我就开始紧张开始压力了><
但是后来想到说要考试了,不然考试后再进行吧?
好,就这么办,就那样那份压力陪着我渡过了这场考试(其实我不懂那时候的压力是来自这个计划还是来自考试)
所以8月14号,我只对她说"伯牙-子期一周年快乐 =)"
一周年的关系,一份坚强的信任,我那时候晃了一下"我真的应该拿这份友谊来打赌吗?"
考试的时候,拿起书本读着读着,考试做着做着,每当遇到瓶颈我都会"啊~烦啊~~",然后突然想起那计划就"哇~!!!更烦啊!!!!" LOL

考试前看过她的时间表，最令人担心的应该是那连续三天的考试吧，而且当中还有她的绊脚石.
我认识的她，应该又会拼个你死我活，那时很担心她会熬出病来．
但我除了把自己的书给读好以外，还能做些什么?
那三天前，我很想给她一份支持．所以，我找了她朋友问"eh,哪里有好喝的milkshake?"
隽勤也一直在帮我问.妹妹是槟城白痴.还有几个junior.
那天我考试后,那些朋友回答的，我都去看了去试了,然后感想都是:"==...这是milkshake吗?" .....被骗了
没办法了，去mcD偷线上网问谷哥了 XPPP 感觉网友都比较推荐swensen's,那好，刚好gurney有.
然后担心等下等不及，杯东西溶了怎么办，先问问看在不在吧.
等她到家了，就走过去买了一杯，然后再拿去给她.
其实有很多想说一些事情，当面说好像有点奇怪,所以干脆写在纸巾上,希望能鼓励到她吧.
回家途中，我开始觉得"她说她会好好照顾自己,不过你还是想照顾她吧?实行吧"

8月27日
除了在戏院里看戏时在餐厅里付钱时,一直看时间+紧张到快心脏病发,其实总的来说那天还好.
在餐厅里，其实朋友都早就跟店里员工串通，时间都被他们控制．
突然短讯来了:"去厕所" 然后我进去了后面，朋友就打来给我壮胆了:"给你听听十万人的欢呼声!!!喔!!!" hahaha XD
吃完了甜品tiramisu,我就寄封短讯回去.付钱的时候，已经看到大家在门口已经就位了,那waitress手脚突然让我感觉到"tmd,慢到要命==" (过后才知道，原来那waitress是太紧张手震打错数额) XPPP
后来走出门了,朋友就依照计划不过很奇怪的现身 ~.~ 然后我从朋友手中接过那束花后,就捧了过去,我那时差点心脏衰竭@@
不过我还是说了:"我可以做你男朋友吗?"
很难以置信,我说了这句话,一辈子都没想过我会亲口说出来.也看得出那时候她虽然开心,可是还是愣住了一下.
我知道,在场的朋友们真的真的很希望她说好,还不断给了她压力.
不过她后来小声说了句"我还没没有ready..."
我知道,我也明白,所以我跟她说"嗯,没关系啦".
我跟大家感激了后,总算散场了 (对,他们就山长水远来到,然后回家,就是为什么我觉得欠他们一笔了><)
那时妹妹和她谈,我的朋友也和我谈了点,一直说:"放心,可以的,刚才只是太多人"
不过我自己知道,也不是人多地问题,所以我过后也没再问多一遍,没再逞强
那时，我下定了决心:我要继续当她的好朋友

"首先我要跟你讲一句sorry...今天我真的很开心很感动,可是timing是真的不对了"
然后那一次我们俩在车里谈了很多关于感情的事,我忘了最后一次她告诉我她遇到的感情挫折是几时了.
她受伤太多了,所以不再对感情有信心其实也不难理解,而且真的会有所心疼她.
"你为什么还是说出口呢?" 我说"我不想以后会后悔" 不过后不后悔,我还不晓得.
不懂为什么,那一次在车里这样谈天我其实觉得很舒适,可能是因为终于说出口了吧?
她有很多的苦衷一直没告诉我,她说担心我听了会不开心(其实她那么做我更不开心啦~.~)
而且前前后后总共说了三次"你不要down啦~" LOL
说真的,我那时真的除了舒适以外,什么感觉也没有.
直到回到了她房间楼下,她下了车然后捧着花走了进去.那一件事,告了一段落.

那天过后,我一直都跟人家说我没事,心里却一直怀疑自己.
我真的很想回到在车里谈天的时候
因为现在我心里还有很多事情想问,却不知道该从哪里问起.
隔天和妹妹出门喝茶,谈天说起了昨晚,突然鼻头一酸,眼眶就泛了泪.
我这时才发现,原来这一次是我最全心全意的一次...
原来我自己的心情还真的不行...

或许我还不够成熟吗?这却是我一直执著的想法
这会维持多久?我没头绪
表面上还是会保持笑容,心里依然败给了自己
不过我相信我会振作,我不信我振作不了

给自己的情书

记得有一次和一个当时刚认识不久的朋友谈天,说着说着说到了部落格.
"咦?我也有写叻!!!" 那是当时的感叹
部落格该装满什么?对生活的感慨?对她/他思念?对过去的回顾?
他说他觉得用部落格来记载回忆是不对的,应该用以发挥思想中的谈吐
而我只是赞同了其中的一部分.

部落格是我无助的时候无声的同伴,
有没有一次那么想过?: "我希望现在身旁有个朋友,可以细心细听着我的倾诉,哪怕他一语不言,只要静静的听我诉苦就好."
无条件地接收你的所有,直到有一天当你回顾这篇部落格的时候,当你回想起这一刻的时候,
自己,未来的自己就是你现在最需要的伴侣.只有自己是最了解自己的.
所以部落格里装载的不一定要是优美的句子,或是华丽的诗篇,
更重要的是一些会让你更了解自己的字句.

thinking to myself

i have a strong feeling,
that today I'm gonna fail my plan.

the plan sounds great when you say it,
and everyone seems so impressed and keeps trying to convince me that I'm going to succeed.
but,they seemed to have forgotten about the point: does she likes me too??
honestly, I don't think so.

Its not the rejection that I fear, it's the aftermath.
what if we won't be the same anymore after tonight??
what if we never talk to each other anymore if i fail?
just because she's too important to me even as a friend,
that's the reason why those questions haunt me every night and day

but now that I've come to this point,there's no turning back.
so I wish myself good luck from now on,
in hope that nothing's gonna change for the worse

哇靠!这么久没回来了!?

sorry, been real busy lately XPPP
busy wrestling with my life.
how busy was I? i kinda asked myself "Did i picked the wrong course or what??" ~.~
If there's a word that perfectly describes my life then,that word is gonna be "Hell".
I mean,come on, week 13 with 3 assignments remaining, how bad can one's campus life gets? and for almost 10 consecutive nights of sleeping on my table (and each time not any longer than 2 hours) that's gonna take its toll on me and my backbones someday when I grow old ==

I'm relieved that I survived that, I'm thrilled that my hardworks had paid off with my mini-project workable =DDD (it's a car park system like the one in GurneyPlaza)
But, looking back right now,
there aren't many moments worth highlighting in my final sem in pg TARC, which is quite disappointing.
It's like right after all those hectic stuff, you have to get prepared for the next wave of hecticness.
It's a norm among my coursemates, everyone is so worn out.
Some even asks: "Why are other students so free already??"
yea.. .well...i guess that's gotta have some relations to the fact that engineers can easily earn more than 4k/month as a fresh degree grad =PPP

Is papa doing well?? Hmmm. . ..I'm not too sure about that.
since his next round for a CT scan has been postponed, no idea when will it be though, but i'm really looking forward to see some improvement in the results =))
after 3 cycles of chemo, no significant side-effects have been observed so far, and my gosh is his appetite good or what?? eats more than me O.O
but he's not controlling his diet again >< that's a bad news for us.
and he's been staying up late again >< that's another bad news
damn it, dad, 听话一点啦. .. . ==

exam starts tomorrow, but frankly speaking i'm looking forward to next week.
not because of my exam ends,but because i have a plan to carry out XPPP
it's gonna be a big gamble, but i'm making it up my mind,
to have an important person to be a part of my life...
well,i sure hope that the plan works out like the last one.
so,all the best to my friends who will be having exams and all the best to me ><